Finding heaven in the connections we make

“How we treat each other really matters!” said Russell M. Nelson. He added, “I am asking us to interact with others in a higher and holier way.” 

What might we discover through an interaction that is higher and holier?

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I read an article about a letter Fred Rogers wrote to his friend Henri Nouwen. Fred was discouraged by the criticism he had received about his work, so he wrote to his trusted friend. 

The article didn’t disclose the details of the criticism. One thing was clear — Fred needed someone he trusted to help him work through his discouragement. 

Fred was known to many as Mister Rogers, the host of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. Through his television show, he helped children understand the world around them. He seemed to be genuinely interested in people and approached life with a childlike curiosity. He also seemed happy to share his discoveries with the children watching him.  

I remember an episode in which Fred invited Jeff Erlanger, a boy who used a wheelchair, to talk about his wheelchair and explain why he needed it. Fred asked him, "There must be times when you do feel blue." He assured the boy that it was okay to feel that way. They also sang a song "It’s You I Like" together.

Fred is often remembered as an exceptionally good person. Some have even described him as a saint. But in the movie A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, I learned about his efforts to manage his anger and frustration. One way he dealt with those feelings was by pounding the low keys of a piano.  

Fred’s wife Joanne said, “He wasn’t a saint.” Her words reminded me that Fred, too, had to make an effort to choose how to respond to his feelings.

In his reply, Henri showed understanding and compassion for Fred. He also warned him that criticism and persecution could continue whenever we do something significant for the Kingdom.

Henri and Fred were both Christian ministers, and they shared an understanding of what “the Kingdom” meant.   

Henri wrote:

“It has always struck me that the real pain comes often from the people from whom we expected real support.

“Some of the criticisms we simply have to suffer and see as invitations to enter deeper into the heart of Jesus.

“Let us pray for each other, that we remain faithful and not become bitter and that we continue to return to the center where we can find the joy and peace that is not of this world.

“There’s good reason scripture tells us not to grow weary in well-doing, likely because we’re often sorely tempted to do so.

“To bless those who curse you, to pray for those who despitefully use you, is no easy task. Apart from God’s enabling grace, it’s likely well-nigh impossible. Yet it’s what we’re called as Christians to do, and part of learning to love our neighbor as ourselves.”

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Marielle Heller, the director of A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, explained that Mister Rogers couldn’t be the lead of a movie because he didn’t have the kind of conflict usually expected of a protagonist. Instead, she described him as someone who enters another person’s life and flips it upside down through his philosophy and the way he lives.

The film follows Lloyd Vogel, a journalist assigned to write an article about Fred for Esquire magazine. Lloyd is struggling with resentment toward his father when he meets Fred. 

As Lloyd got to know Fred, Fred helped him begin to work through his resentment and anger towards his father. He didn’t need to preach or confront Lloyd directly. Instead, his way of living encouraged Lloyd to look at his feelings and relationships differently. 

Tom Hanks, who played Mister Rogers in the movie, discussed Fred’s approach to life in an interview on TODAY. He shared what Fred’s wife, Joanne, had said about the way Fred approached everyday situations.

“He would just be the best person he could and let that be the language for the solution to what it is, just be good, be kind, or just be caring, or just be present. That ends up being the essence of making a world a better place.”

Now, how do you feel about interacting with others in a higher and holier way?

Here are my takeaways from Henri’s letter and Fred’s life. 

It’s not about pretending we don’t have a negative side. Feeling angry or blue is part of being human.

Managing our feelings is not easy. Fred and Henri had ways of working through difficult emotions without directing them at another person.

My way is usually to take a walk by myself and pray for help from the Comforter — the Holy Ghost. I consider this a special gift from God. 

If I were struggling, I would be grateful for somebody who reminded me of Henri’s words to Fred: “Let us pray for each other, that we remain faithful and not become bitter.“ 

I would also appreciate someone who understood how easily we grow weary in well-doing and helped lift me up by sharing a scripture passage.


So, how can we continue to connect with people, even when our feelings get in the way? 

By loving them as they are.
 
By being good.

By being kind.

By being caring.

By being there for someone.

Perhaps this standard of communication begins before we speak or write, with the intention we bring to our words.


Fred once told journalist Tom Junod, whose story inspired the character Lloyd Vogel in the movie,  “The connections we make in the course of a life — maybe that's what heaven is.” 

Connection can sometimes lead to contention. But perhaps that’s why our connections matter so much. 

Fred showed me that connecting with people in a higher and holier way doesn’t require perfection. It means making an intentional effort to choose goodness. 

And I can do that.